FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING!: i cursed out my painting…badly


AND THE NIGHTMARE CONTINUES…

I sized the image above to be quite large because that would represent just how INFURIATING this piece is for me!

Let’s start from the beginning: If you read my posts (WhatWhenWhyHow: Artwork Analysis 5, WhatWhenWhyHow: Artwork Analysis 5 (a second look), Hmmmm: i wonder what this will be, Hmmmm: i wonder what this will be 2), you will see that I am working on a 3-part series of paintings with a very swoopy abstract feel inspired by a superb Chinese artist named Qin Feng. I have not posted much on my 2nd painting as I’m waiting to finish the series before doing a final post on all three. But you can see a peek of it in the image above (it is the yellow canvas with the red against it!). The series, as I have mentioned, already has a buyer and when I complete the 3rd painting, I will receive the other half of my payment. I will direly miss this series. It is so special to me and it really is very emotionally close to me. But getting paid helps an artist alot.

But the fact that a patron is waiting on the series to be completed makes my aggravation all the more worse! Because along with my need to maintain and also improve my skills and artistic reputation, I don’t want the buyer to wait FOREVER!

The 3rd painting I am referring to is the one above. Yep, the black oil-painted one up there. At first I started it with a specific idea that the other two share (the secret is in the style of the strokes). The 1st painting, ‘3 Paths’, I was very enthusiastic and my mind wide awake with inspiration. the 2nd one, ‘3 Paths II’; that yellow/red one in the image, I was pressed for ideas, but as I worked it out it came so easily! The 3rd one, which will be ‘3 Paths III’, is so humongously frustrating! It is as if with each painting my idea capacity has gotten lower and lower until I reached the soulless depths of Artist Hell!!!! Artist Hell is a place where you are punished by having ideas stripped from your brain and to, for ETERNITY, chase those ideas as they forever and perpetually escape your grasp. Forever and ever and ever!! AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!! That right there was not just comic sound I typed, that was actually me in front of that canvas agonizing like a rabid, inspiration-drained artist.

In fact that canvas in the photo above is the FIRST canvas. At 1st I was pressed for what color should be against the black background. I tried green. Meh. Tried brown. Double meh. A friend of mine suggested I combine the black from my 1st painting & the yellow from the 2nd; thereby making them even more of a unite. Artists have a hard time, sometimes, drawing from others, but we do do it (every now and again I accept ideas from my mom, whom also creates art and is the one whom got me into art to begin with) and that black, yellow thing was a great idea!! Thanks Maurice! As I re-did the design, in yellow horribly thought out ways, atop the black I would paint over the yellow in black until the re-paintings were so many that surface became very textured with 2 layers worth of design underneath. The other two paintings have smooth grounds. This one was starting to resemble a Japanese rock garden with the raking ridges (which would not be bad if that was part of my idea)… Unlike the 1st 2 paintings, which have a continuity that relate to each other, this one was NOT relating in style or design.

Something was beginning to brew inside of me:

Yeah. I was getting as pissed off as fire looks.

So I re-started on a new canvas. Painted it black and went at it with yellow, again…still no success. Still dissatisfied. UGH. I mean, this was a great example of art and abstract art both NOT being as easy as some people irresponsibly think. Being an artist takes ALOT of mental and visual problem-solving, guys! So I thought I just needed to step away and refresh my mind. Re-focus and re-think. Even the patron suggested I take a break and re-focus. So I did unwind a bit and when I returned to it, I looked to trees as inspiration since how the strokes interconnect in the paintings is similar to how tree branches lay over and under each other. But that did not help, either because even though trees branches are a great design muse, it didn’t work with the placement I was going for. So as I got to the point below…

No. No. NOOOOOOOoooooooo!!!!!! And it starts…

…I think my mind and hanging-on-a-string patience just, like, left me and drifted off somewhere because I started (and this is where the title of the post comes in) to curse my painting out!! I’ve been mad at my artwork before (which is really being mad at myself), but never like this! Like each time I worked on it trying to get a decent image to magically morph, I went into another tirade. I was mad because I wanted to get it done. I was mad because it was really testing my artistic prowess (which involves your pride, there, yep). I was mad because it looked so poopy. Yep. Poopy. So I cursed at it like it was a human being; like it was the ULTIMATE nightmare jerk, and slang at it with my paintbrush trying to force a result. Every single person (incl. the holier than thou ones) have that breaking point a few times in life! I peppered my canvas with the profanity I wanted to throw at jerks I really DO know! Nevermind thinking that artists ALWAYS serenely and peacefuly come to a result as we sip wine, our minds doing a ballet with the spirits of daVinci & Escher pushing us along all while listening to Bonobo (well, that last part is true for me, anyway…I like Bonobo). Sometimes you gotta FORCE that mofo!! When you get angry at a piece of work, you MAKE it do what you need it to. Sure, I felt bad that I was being a verbal psychopath and, since I love my artworks personally, I felt bad for treating my painting so wretchedly; I felt pretty bad about all that potty/sailor/Katt Williams mouth (actually the painting probably wants to tell me: “You are a megatron jerk. It’s YOU messing up, not me!! YOU are the one painting ME. Duh. Get it together. Like, wow.”).

Then something happened and I did start getting it together…

EUREKA!! Time to dance an ole timey jig!!

I apologize, painting. I am a megatron jerk. I still have some kinks to work out and have to paint one more layer so that the yellow will not be transparent, but it is looking like it is saying something to me, now! Keep talking because I wanna finish on a high note! In a way the anger experienced was good. It was me albeit furiously, admitting I knew I had improvements to make…because a cocky artist is a stupid artist). All in all, this was definitely one of those visual problem-solving projects and I am glad I came to a result. WOW.

This post was longer than I planned on it being, but that is okay. If you took time to read the entire post, that is even better…and thank you! When I complete the series, I’ll post a final analysis on it and I hope you will read that one as well!

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